no why ,just remember it.

I think i made myself quite alright after that.But now i started to think it is she who has actually made me.After cooking myself dinner and drained 1/3 bottle of wine, everything became quite alright.what made any difference is, this time, i have to sorted it out by myself again.It is raining now, in Nanjing.i went downstairs to buy a pack of cigarettes.I can never do the spelling right,cigarettes, restaurants, i am not sure if i did it right this time, cuz now i do it with instinct, to see if the letters would match or not.Alcohol always can do the trick, right.

I should started by treat myself properly.I've been thinking I really don't know how to say no to things and people, by being afraid of losing them.I've been doing it since I was a kid.Then it turned out pretty ugly.And when it comes to an adult, people just blame you for not putting your lines clear.And to me, the pain that caused by refusal at the first place seemed to be the slightest.

I screwed up.I don't blame myself for doing it.I really thought about a lot about the past three year relationship and everything which is dead by now but still too painful to remember.I don't blame for the girl who thought she was treasured and understood and...loved.And what I've been thinking and respecting during all of the resentful moments that I've been through.The other person must had been through these moments, just not the way I was.

but it is good, isn't it.Life secrectly tells you something in a way by not answering it.i know i would made myself out of it.Probably not right now, but soon. 

月末来check。

一种不愿让自己得到安慰的同情的痛苦，或者是一种我们再涉及到一些虚构的祸害时有意参与其中、直到通过幻想陷入它中似乎是真的。这种同情的痛苦，证明的和造就着一个温柔的但却是虚弱的灵魂，它显示出美的一面，但显然可以被称作为幻想性的。甚至不能说是热忱的。

长篇小说、哭哭啼啼的戏剧、干瘪的伦理规范都在卖弄着尽管是所谓虚假的高贵意向，实际上却在使人心变得干枯，对严格的义务规范没有感觉，使任何对我们人格中的人类尊严的敬重、使人的权利以及一般的使一切坚定的原理都不可能甚至一篇鼓吹卑躬屈膝、低三下四、邀宠献媚的宗教演说也是如此---它放弃对我们心中抵抗恶的能力的一切信任，而不是去尝试去用我们尽管脆弱不堪而仍然残存着的力量去克服我们的爱好。还有虚假的谦恭，它以自我蔑视，即用摇尾乞怜的伪装的忏悔和一味隐忍的内心克制来建立一种人类唯一能使最高存在者所喜欢的存在方式，这些就连和那些能够归于美的东西都不相容，更不用说那些可以上升为心性的崇高的东西相容了。

《判断力批判》