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i am awfully awared that there's pointless crying over splitted milk, as the English teacher always told us in high school.I thought a lot about her as i went upstairs just now.I didn't learn a lot grammar from her, since everytiime I went to her with any grammar problem she always answered me that

no why ,just remember it.

I think i made myself quite alright after that.But now i started to think it is she who has actually made me.After cooking myself dinner and drained 1/3 bottle of wine, everything became quite alright.what made any difference is, this time, i have to sorted it out by myself again.It is raining now, in Nanjing.i went downstairs to buy a pack of cigarettes.I can never do the spelling right,cigarettes, restaurants, i am not sure if i did it right this time, cuz now i do it with instinct, to see if the letters would match or not.Alcohol always can do the trick, right.

I should started by treat myself properly.I've been thinking I really don't know how to say no to things and people, by being afraid of losing them.I've been doing it since I was a kid.Then it turned out pretty ugly.And when it comes to an adult, people just blame you for not putting your lines clear.And to me, the pain that caused by refusal at the first place seemed to be the slightest.

I screwed up.I don't blame myself for doing it.I really thought about a lot about the past three year relationship and everything which is dead by now but still too painful to remember.I don't blame for the girl who thought she was treasured and understood and...loved.And what I've been thinking and respecting during all of the resentful moments that I've been through.The other person must had been through these moments, just not the way I was.

but it is good, isn't it.Life secrectly tells you something in a way by not answering it.i know i would made myself out of it.Probably not right now, but soon.